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This "Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 29, 1914" was written by Various in English language.

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Punch, or the London
Charivari, Vol. 146,
April 29, 1914
By
Various

Page 2

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
April 29, 1914, by Various
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Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 29, 1914
Author: Various
Release Date: April 7, 2008 [EBook #25010]
Language: English
Character set encoding: UTF-8
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 146.
APRIL 29, 1914.
CHARIVARIA.
CAPTAIN
F
ORT
, a French army airman from Chalons, flew over the German frontier, last
week, by mistake, and alighted in Lorraine, but flew back again before the German
police arrived. We think he should have waited. It is just little discourtesies such as this
that accentuate ill-feeling between nations.
Mr.
H. W. T
HORNTON
, the new American manager of the Great Eastern Railway, says
that his ideal is to satisfy the public. This disposes of the absurd rumour that his
appointment was made in the interests of the shareholders.
JACK
J
OHNSON
, the pugilist, is about to become naturalized as a French subject. Frankly,
America has brought this on herself.
It is possible, by the way, that the knowledge that America could not rely on
JACK
JOHNSON
stiffened President
HUERTA
'S back.
In at least one of our colonies the War Minister is designated "Minister for Defence."
This would surely be a more than apt title for Mr.
ASQUITH
, who has been doing yeoman
work of this kind on behalf of his peccant colleagues.
[pg 321]

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Some idea of the confusion which reigned at the fight between
BLAKE
and
BORRELL
may
be gathered from the following paragraph in
The Liverpool Daily Post
:—
"Blake, who was the taller, at once led the £500 aside, and both men to
deposit a further close quarters, and they indulged in in-fighting up to the
close of the round."
It was certainly shrewd of
BLAKE
to act as he did in regard to the stakes, for, although he
was the taller, it did not necessarily follow that he would win.
Stafford House, which contains the London Museum, will in future be called Lancaster
House. It was felt, we understand, that its former name gave no clue to its contents.
We find the following announcement of the greatest interest:—
"April 16th, to Mr. and Mrs. G. E. Turtle (née Nurse Lacey) a daughter."
It was a great performance to have been born a nurse, even if she turned Turtle later
on.
"In everything where her means and opportunities allow," says Mr.
ARTHUR
R
ACKHAM
,
"woman seeks persistently for beauty." And now many husbands are flattering
themselves that that is how they came to be married.
"Mothers who sleep nine hours on end," says Dr.
WESTCOTT
, the coroner, "should not
have babies, and, if they do, they should be put in cradles." The only difficulty is that at
present there is no cradle on the market large enough to take a grown-up.
The Times
has published an indictment of the London plane-tree as a disseminator of
disease. Nervous folk, however, may like to know that, if they stay indoors with their
windows closed and with a towel fastened across the mouth and nose, they will run
comparatively little risk from this source.
The Express
is offering prizes to its readers with a view to ascertaining which is the
best-looking animal in the Zoo, and which is the ugliest. It is, of course, no affair of ours,
but we think it would be a graceful and humane act on the part of our contemporary to
give a consolation prize to the poor beast adjudged to be the ugliest.
Meanwhile, in view of this competition, the wart-hog would be glad to hear of a really
reliable cure for warts.
A thrush has built its nest and laid three eggs at the junction of two scaffold poles where
between fifty and sixty men are working on a new building at Northampton. The kind-
hearted labourers were, we understand, willing to work quietly and slowly in order not to
disturb the young mother, but were over-ridden by the foremen.
What is described as a "Racegoers' Luncheon Palace" is being erected next to the
Epsom Grand Stand. The new building will, we are informed, have fireproof floors and

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staircases. These will no doubt be duly tested by the Militants.
It is rumoured that such is the success of
The Melting Pot
that Mr.
ZANGWILL
has been
approached by more than one manager with flattering proposals. Mr.
ZANGWILL
, however,
is not to be rushed, and it is extremely unlikely that we shall have him turning out
Melting Pot-Boilers.
The punishment does sometimes fit the crime. An individual who for some months past
specialised in thefts of clocks was last week given time.
"A Blackburn platelayer," it is stated, "who has just died at the age of seventy, left £400,
which he had accumulated out of his small earnings. He was a bachelor." Married
women consider this a marvellous achievement in view of the fact that the man had no
wife to help him.
At last it looks as if something is going to be done for golfers, whose language, it is
rumoured, occasionally leaves so much to be desired. The Rector of Frinton has
undertaken to consider a suggestion that a special service for golfers shall be held at
nine o'clock on Sunday mornings.
THE OPENING OF THE SEASON.
"NAH
THEN
, 'E
RBERT
,
WE
'RE
IN
'Y
DE
P
ARK
. P
ULL
UP
YER
SOCKS
AN
'
LOOK
SMART
."
Another "Daily Mail" Record.
"'How beautiful,' said the Queen as she passed me."
We congratulate
The Daily Mail's
Special Paris Correspondent (author of the above
passage), on the tribute paid to him by Her Majesty.
The Rivals.

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Two posters in Torquay:—
"FLYING
AT
P
AIGNTON
BY
M
ONSIEUR
S
ALMET
."
"FLYING
V
ISIT
OF
M
R. H. B. I
RVING
."
"Fashion Gossip" in
The Cambridge Chronicle
:—
"Black rats, however, are most in favour and bid fair to retain their
popularity."
It is no longer fashionable to see snakes.
"For supply of a body suitable for motor ambulance for Ipswich."—
Contract
Journal.
Ipswich seems in a hurry. Surely it might wait for the accident to happen naturally.
GENERAL VILLA BREAKS INTO POETRY.
[The following unpublished poem of General
VILLA
—not, of course, to be
compared with the recently discovered compositions of
KEATS
—throws an
interesting light on the attitude of that incomparable brigand towards the
academic diplomatist of the White House. This correspondence, rendered
into English, is now made public without prejudice to any change of policy
that may occur during its passage through the press.]
WILSON
(or
WOODROW
, if I may),
I blush to own that ere to-day
I have described you as a "gringo";
For you are now my loved ally;
We see together, eye to eye;
The same usurper we defy.
Each in his local lingo.
Friends I have had in your fair land,
Nice plutocrats who lent a hand
(In view of possible concessions),
But still I lacked official aid,
And lived, with that embargo laid
Upon the gunning border-trade,
A prey to rude depressions.
But, when you let the barrier drop,
And all the frontier opened shop
To deal in warlike apparatus,
Much heartened by your friendly leave
To storm and ravage, slay and reave,
I felt my fighting bosom heave
As with a fresh afflatus.
Now closer still we join our stars;
At Vera Cruz your valiant tars
[pg 322]

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Have lately forced a bloody landing;
No more you hold aloof to see
The dirty work all done by me,
You show by active sympathy
A cordial understanding.
Nor shall my loyal faith grow slack
Although you put the embargo back;
No doubt once more you'll countermand it;
And anyhow this party scores
Since, you'll supply the arms and stores
The bill for which so rudely bores
A constitutional bandit.
At your expense, in fact, we go,
We two, against a one-man foe
(Of course you would not wish to hurt a
Hair of our folk in vulgar broil;
Your scheme is just to take and boil
Inside a vat of native oil
This vile impostor,
HUERTA
).
Then here's my hand all warm and red,
And we will march through fire and lead
Waging the glorious war of Duty;
Though impotent to read or write,
I love the cause of Truth and Light,
So God defend us in the fight
For
VILLA
, Home and Beauty!
O. S.
"A R
EVIEW
OF
THE
P
RIMATES
. By
DANIEL
G
ERAUD
E
LLIOT
.
Three volumes.
Monkeys, and especially the higher apes, have an unfailing interest for
mankind."—
"Times" Literary Supplement.
But this is not the way that we ourselves should begin an article on the Archbishops.
A "SCENE" IN 1916.
SHOWING
THE
D
EVELOPMENT
OF
P
ARLIAMENTARY
M
ANNERS
.
MR. A
SQUITH
. I wish to ask the Prime Minister whether he will grant a full judicial enquiry
into the recent military and naval movements contemplated by the Government in
Munster.
MR. L
AW
(who was greeted by shouts of "Assassin"). I see no necessity for any such
enquiry. I am prepared to answer for the Government on the floor of this House.
MR. L
LOYD
G
EORGE
. May I ask the right honourable gentleman how many members of
the Government are interested in armament companies, and to what extent they would

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have profited by the contemplated Tipperary pogrom? (Shouts of "Yah," "Thieves!"
"Thieves!" "Brigands!" and "Yah!")
MR. L
AW
. I utterly and entirely repudiate the suggestion of the right honourable
gentleman. (Opposition shouts of "Liar" and "Coward.") The information the right
honourable gentleman has gained during his intrigues with the rank and file of the
Welsh regiments is totally——
MR. S
PEAKER
. Order, order. That reply obviously does not arise from the question.
MR. A
SQUITH
. I wish to ask the right honourable gentleman if he is prepared to make a
statement on oath. Nothing else will convince the country, as it knows by experience
that Ministers are steeped in falsehood.
MR. L
AW
. That is an allegation against the honour of Ministers. (
MR. C
HURCHILL
, "They
have none.") If the Leader of the Opposition desires to attempt to substantiate these
charges I will give him a day—or a week, if he wants it.
MR. S
WIFT
M
AC
NEILL
. Afraid of five years for perjury. Blackguards!
MR. A
MERY
(President of the Local Government Board).
Mr. Speaker, should I be in
order if I appealed to you to ask Members on the other side to maintain the honourable
traditions of this House?
MR. J
OHN
W
ARD
. All they care for is the £5,000 a year.
MR. S
PEAKER
. Order, order! I must ask honourable members not to turn Question time
into a debate.
MR. C
HURCHILL
. I beg to ask the Prime Minister whether the guns of the first cruiser
squadron are not at this moment trained on Limerick, and to ask him if ample time will
be given for women and children to escape before the massacre begins?
MR. B
ONAR
L
AW
. The first cruiser squadron is not at Limerick. (Loud shouts of "Liar!")
That disposes of the second part of the question also. (Cries of "No!" "Shame!" "Child-
murderer!")
LORD
W
INTERTON
(Junior Lord of the Treasury).
Mr.
SPEAKER
, may I draw your attention to
the fact that several Members of the Opposition shout "Liar" at the Prime Minister
whenever he rises to his feet?
MR. S
PEAKER
. The term is certainly an objectionable one, but unfortunately there are
Parliamentary precedents.
MR. R
AYMOND
A
SQUITH
. Yes, that's what he used to call Papa.
MR. L
LOYD
G
EORGE
. May I ask the Prime Minister if it is true that victims of the Celtic
pogrom are to be refused treatment by their panel doctors?
MR. L
AW
. As there will be no victims (shouts of "Found out" and "Afraid") the question of
medical treatment does not arise.
MR. J
OHN
R
EDMOND
. Enough of this foolery. Enough of the deliberate falsehood of
Ministers. I go to Ireland at once, where half a million resolute, dour, determined men
are ready to defy this Government of assassins.
(Loud Opposition cheers and waving of handkerchiefs, as Mr.
REDMOND
retires from the
House.)

Page 8

"A SORT OF WAR."
PRESIDENT
W
ILSON
. "I HOPE YOU ARE NOT
SHOOTING AT MY DEAR FRIENDS THE
MEXICANS?"
U.S.A. G
UNNER
. "OH, NO, SIR. WE HAVE STRICT
ORDERS ONLY TO AIM AT ONE HUERTA."
OUR CRAFTY CATERERS.
Born in Odessa In 1901,
and at 13 years of age thinking nothing of his 900 mile
Walk to the Fair at Nijni-Novgorod,
our hero—the "poularde de Surrey"—at last
arrives in London.
Now, how to make this treasure palatable to the British Public?
First of all we'll
catch him (the British Public) in our cosy Appetiser Department.
Then Signor
[pg 323]
[pg 324]
[pg 325]

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Sarsaparillo shall entertain him in the cloak-room.
We'll waft him up to the dining-room to the strains of the Blue Danubian Band.
We'll give him "La Bohême" before the "poularde";
and the Maxixe during.
A
Terrible Turk shall give him coffee (with Coon accompaniment);
and we'll send him
home with a silver-mounted sterilised tooth-pick and presents for Madame and
Baby. There!
PER ASPARAGOS AD ASTRA.
Now we who sense the odorous Spring
Our various winter garments fling,
Cast off the heat promoting clout
That wise men keep till May is out,
And hail with joy and wear too soon
Suitings more fitly planned for June.
'Twas ever thus; and now we look
Askance on what arrides the cook,
Behold her boil and chop and strain
For us the cabbage all in vain.
She would have dished what most we scout,
But Brussels-sprouts at last are out.
And something else at last is in,
A something green and straight and thin.
Long looked for, long desired, its head
Well raised above its English bed,
It smiles at last and blesses us,
Our garden-grown asparagus!
Let others in their praise advance
The monstrous branches sent from France;
You ope your mouth as 'twere a door,
And bite off half an inch, not more;
And then perforce you lay aside
A tasteless foot of wasted pride.
Besides, you find that what you praise,
Is mostly sauce—a Hollandaise.
The succulent, the English kind,
You pick it up and eat it blind;
In fact, you lose your self-control,
And dip, and lift, and eat it whole.
And some day, when the beds have ceased
To cater for your daily feast,
You'll see—the after growth is fair—
A green and feathery forest there,
And "here," you'll say, "is what shall cheer
My palate in the coming year.
"Yea, when these graceful pigmy trees
Have swayed their last in any breeze,
And all is bare, I may again
See the ripe heads that pierce the plain,

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And eat once more before I die
Our garden-grown asparagi."
R. C. L.
Massage in the 18th Century.
"Anatomy.
Albinus (Bernard Siegfried). Tables of the Skeleton and Muscles
of the Human Body, translated from the Latin. Folio, half calf (joints cracked,
back rubbed).
Edinburgh 1777-78.
"
A Special Correspondent of
The Evening News
wrote last week:—
"As for the Queen, from the moment she stepped off the yacht till she got
into the train she went on smiling and bowing and murmuring 'Merci, oh
merci bien?' I do not, of course, know what she was thinking."
Possibly it had something to do with gratitude.
A LIGHTNING ROYALTY ACADEMICIAN.
(All done while you wait.
)
(Mr.
DENNIS
E
ADIE
.)
MY LORD'S DINNER.
[A companion picture to Mr.
EDWARD
K
NOBLAUCH
'S play,
My Lady's Dress
.]
PROLOGUE
.
William
and
Mary
have returned from the Royalty Theatre, where they have
attended a play in several scenes each representing some incident in the
making of a lady's dress.
[pg 326]

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